In Hawaiian, the name Anuhea means- cool soft fragrance a mountain breeze.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

My sweet Evan turned 8 months on Tuesday.  On, his 8 month birthday after all this time, I finally saw this maternity photo taken while I he was in my womb.  
I'm amazed with the time.  I still cannot believe I held him in my womb and it worked.  I still can't believe that my dream to mother him actually came and is now.  I think about all the fear and anxiety I had while pregnant.  I know nothing could have convinced me to "BE FREE" until I held him in my arms.  
I melt every time I stare into his precious eyes.
I am blessed.  It happened.  He is here!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The mystery of miscarriage

Evan will be 6 months in 2 days.  I've had 6 months of my rainbow and I'm grateful for every single second with him.  At times I can't believe I lived in the pain of RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) and I've made it to the "other side".  Today I looked at him and as much as I didn't want to think it or say it, I kinda believed that it was all worth it- of  course he's worth every single thing possible, but what I meant was admitting that the loss and death of my the midst of the darkness and how much it seemed so unfair, it lead me to him.  I fought that belief for so long because to me each baby I loved and wanted.  To me no mother should ever have to experience the loss of her baby in her womb.  Never, ever!  In my experience it was the cruelest thing mother nature could have ever done to me.  I will never forget....yet, even in my sorrow, I knew my God was teaching me something.  I knew my angels were a gift and each one gave my soul and being a gift.  Today,  I'm still learning what each one taught me.  Miscarriage/s are such a feakin mystery.  Something that the medical world cannot even figure out. And for the mother who has to endure in it, feel it, and be in it, it is pure torture.  I've grown to believe that it really is something we can't explain nor "figure out".  It's mysterious.  It's on this journey where one must learn to live in the unknown and somehow not get lost.  I still wonder what why God choose that path for me.  How did I end up on that journey to motherhood?  
Every night I still pray for all the babies in their mommies tummy to arrive safe in her arms with 2 (mommy and baby) strong beating hearts.
I have not yet posted my experiences of my 3 early m/c's, testing, and treatment....lack of time, but more so, it's that part that was the SEARCH for an answer- and in reality there was no answer.  And, all along I knew that.  It was easy to become obsessed with the results, treatments, trying to conceive, and blame myself.....however, my intuition always told me, that God will perform.  I  knew that my body was made to be mother.  Even after the birth of my first son, I knew that having another child wouldn't happen so easily.  I don't know how I knew, but my intuition spoke and told me.  But, nothing could have ever prepared my heart.  My broken heart that loved those little souls my womb carried.  And, here I sit 6 months later.    

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Triumph. . .

In three days my sweet baby will be four months.  I look at him and can't believe he is all mine.  My heart is filled with so much love and extasy.  I remember posting right before he was born, that I would remember that when life brings obstacles, I'd remember my journey to have him.  I'd remember my angel babies who gave me the gift of true grief and learning to surrender to the unknown.  Nearly, 4 months later I'm left with questioning my ability to still do this.  For some reason, I nievely believed that once my rainbow came, everythng would be "all right".  I somehow thought, that the strength I endured at that time would make my new endeavors much easier.  Lossing a little life in your womb is hell.  How could anything else be worse?
I know that's a lot to assume in such a short period.  What I can say, is my heart no longer drives around this city in pain and emptiness pondering why life was treating me this way.  Especially when I waited until I completed graduate school, traveled the world, married my best pal, did all I could to be healthy and more than ever, yearned to love another soul and continue growing as a mother.  My world feels full.  My heart and mind is at peace.
 I write this entry, because I had always wondered what my life would be like, once I made it to the "other side" of recurrent pregancy loss (RPL).  At that time, it was the most difficult obstacle life had ever granted me.  And in that pain, I tried so hard to just embrace it and contain it.  I wanted to learn and grow as person and really listen to what life was trying to teach me.  I struggled with listening.  I struggled with wanting and feeling like my womb was failing me.  I felt like the world was around me was going on and I was left in  the misery of a broken hearted mother.  I felt guilty for yearning for another child when I was fully blessed with my 1st son who was perfect.  I felt guilty watching him grow in his toddler world while fantasizing about the life I had just lost.   I hoped to become a person who would be humbled by my all the gifts God has given me, and to really appreciate them.  I hoped to remember, not to take life so painfully real, but to really live in it, even  when it really sucks.
Today, I write this entry because I've learned that life and our God, will always place a moutain in front of us just when we finished hiking up the tallest moutain ever....and believing that the hike was done. 
I'm grateful I survived the bease of recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) with a healthy baby, two to be exact.  Yet, I'm learning that the triumph continues in this life.
My Evan is here and everyday I stare at him in disbelief.  I even wonder, was my grief all in my head of insanity?  Was is all relevant to be so distraught when all I needed to do was be patient and trust that "it would happen" ?. Hearing those words, "Oh it will happen" is like stabbing a women in the heart a billion times when she going through in no way, do mean it literally.  What I do mean is, that I find myself needing to trust in life and in the unknown.  Something, I didn't know how to do. Something, I still contiue to struggle with.  However, dancing with the unknown is a gift my angel babies have given me.  I will continue to take the challnege learn to dance in the unknown, in their honor.  Lord knows, its freakin hard as heck when you allow yourself to be emotionally uncordinated in anxiety.
   What I do know is that he's here!  My rainbow came and life once again spoke to me. I'm delighted to travel on my new endeavors as a new mother.  A wife, a mother of two.....a human trying to make sense of this life. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Is this it?

I sit here with Evan in my arms trying to type.  From when this blog began, this is my 1st entry holding my live baby in my arms.  It's real.  It happened.  My womb worked....just like I knew it would.
His eyes tell me everyday that he is real and here.  I look deep into them and even look for the pain of my journey and it's not there.  It's only him and all him.  I am amazed.  I am amazed that all my sorrow and insanity of my loss's are not there.  What is there, is this life.....this beautiful baby that I longed to meet.  It is nothing like I imagined it to be, because it is all just so right.  So natural.  It's almost like the sadness never existed.  I find that stumbling at times, because I was so sorrowed and throughout my pregnancy was in disbelief that I was really having a baby.
I'm in inlove.  My heart shines and my soul is elated with completion. 
Today I feel so blessed.  My lil Valentine is here.
I can finally scream at a moutain top and finally, EXHALE!

God is good!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Good Night Moon

This is it!  This is my final Eve before I will meet my dear gracious baby.  I'm so overwhelmed with so many emotions ( what's new ).  The biggest emotion I feel is just the peace and gratefulness that God has answered my prayer.  All along I thought this time would never come.  It's been a journey of 2 years and we're finally at the point where I may be on the other side of the rainbow.
All along I grabbed on hope, faith, and trust in my womb. The Trust in my body.  The Trust in nature. The Trust in my strength.  The, Trust in the God who I questioned, yet remained faithful  to.
And now, here I sit hours away from the moment when I get to meet this precious new life.  This tiny little being who I've dreamed of and fought to never give up in knowing I'd be this little person's mommy one day.  My heart would never let me give up on my instinct to mother this baby.  I felt lost and incomplete in the journey....and now I about to savor the feeling of wholeness.

Dear God please let this arrival be safe and successful!

Good night dear moon I will see you rise tomorrow, holding my Evan in my arms!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Metamorphosis . . .

I can feel his strength in his movements.  My baby is snugged tightly in his sacred home, our womb.  I'm trying to savor these last moments of our pregnancy.  I stopped working the last month and have spent these weeks alone with my baby in my womb dreaming of when we can meet.  Gratefully, our family and my amazing husband have been wonderful in supplying Jacob with love and care while I lounge at home.  My dad called me today to tell me that there's 80 hours left before we meet.  Wow~!  We are blessed with so many people waiting for Evan's safe arrival.
This morning I had my last NST.  Boy was he moving up a storm and it was difficult to get a reading because he moved so much.  Of course I had to vent to the nurses and my Dr about my worry that in these final  2 full days left that "something could happen" like the cord getting tangled being it's so tight in there.  Of course, nothing in life is a guarantee and all I knew was......I just needed it to be Thursday a.m.
It's Halloween Eve and the city is ready to Trick or Treat away and I'm home in my nest in peace and quiet.  My Jacob is with my mom and sister enjoying the Eve, and yes there's a lil guilt in not celebrating the Eve with my little 4 year-old.  Yet, I know we will have many more Holidays to celebrate....however, on this Halloween eve,  the time alone was just what I needed.  

A couple of days of ago, I finally shared this blog with a select few friends.  Today I just got this email from a dear friend in response:  

Thank you for sharing,-- how beautiful for you to open yourself for both yourself and others. It's been a privilege to be part of it and wonderful to see you grow-- like a metamorphasis of a butterfly! So spread your wings and fly-- I'll be praying for a safe delivery-- which it undoubtely will be-- and a smooth adjustment home. :) 

I remember talking to this dear friend when we began to try for a 2nd child and she prayed with me for conception which was our 1st miscarriage.  She prayed with me during the loss and took my call at any time to listen to my sadness.  It is friends like her whom without the support and love would have made this journey a lonelier and somber process. Often, family and friends don't even know what to say or how to respond.  The part I hated the most was the unwanted advice and opinions about their perceptions on miscarriage.....why I wanted to bad to have another child and all that other jargon that only made it worse.  There has been very few souls who know how to listen unconditionally and contain the pain.  And, for that I am grateful.  I have also learned how to listen to others in a whole new language. 
I will now use these next days to prep my wings and fly. Not that we haven't been flying.  But, this is the flying I've hoped for.  I hope to fly high and take all I've learned and gained in this metamorphosis's journey and make a difference in this world. I hope to remember to be grateful for every single moment I  have with my living children, even with the storms come.  I hope to remember to listen to what each storm is saying and also......sometimes a storm is just a storm!